It’s the last installment of the battle rounds on “The Voice” (finally!) and you know what that means … You never have to look at the bedazzled discus Christina calls a hat ever again.
And in honor of the special occasion, our mom has joined us to mock Cee Lo’s silk pajamas, Carson’s struggle for relevancy and everything in between this week.
So without further ado, find out the final six contestants who will be making to the live shows below!
BATTLE: James Massone vs. Wade
Team: Cee Lo
Song: “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper
Coadge Cee Lo paired these two baby faces (not a reference to mentor Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds, but rather to the fact that they both have prepubescent faces) together for “True Colors,” because he’s Cee Lo and he’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that his battles are weird. This duo seems like a great match-up for an R&B duet, so let’s have them sing Cyndi Lauper instead. Why not?
Wade seems somewhat confident with the song choice, where as James, who is keeping his luscious locks out of his face with a headband now to ensure that his hair does not incite a grease fire, states that he has “never sang this song before.” Shocker. When James meets with his mentor, Ne-Yo, he, like so many contestants before him, seems to be letting his nerves get the best of him.
Chelsey: “It seems as though everything makes young James nervous.”
Jaimie: “His turtleneck makes me nervous.”
Mom: “He’s just frightened because he saw Cee Lo without shades for the first time. And Cee Lo’s PJs. He’s getting fatter.”
Wade meets with his mentor, Babyface, who says that he looks like a 12-year-old but reminds him of Al Green. We agree with half of that statement. Then, the two have their final rehearsal with Cee Lo, and Cee Lo is moved to tears.
Jaimie: “Cee Lo thinks if he says ‘man’ and ‘dude’ enough, it’s okay that he’s crying.”
Chelsey: “Why is he crying? What is going on?”
Jaimie: “Because he really wants James to remove his headband.”
Mom: “Psh. Crying is not one tear drop on a cheek.”
Battle time! As the baby faces start to sing, it feels like the song has been slowed down a bit too much, and the tempo feels off. James, who continues to remind us that he wants to get out of the “shawp” has a very unique voice, but this performance isn’t showcasing it very well. Wade, who normally has a very smooth voice, doesn’t seem to be giving us his best either. The last note of the song definitely leaves something to be desired. Jaimie does a pretty accurate phonetic impression: “raiiiin boooowwww ohhhh oowwww ohhh owww.”
Chelsey: “Oof. That was brutal.”
Jaimie: “The sheen on James’ lubed up hair is out of control.”
Chelsey: “Maybe if James stopped spending money on personalized letterman jackets he could get out of the shawp.”
The coadges unanimously lean towards James and his hair, and Cee Lo says that he had plans to take Wade to the end but was blown away by James’ performance so he has to go with him.
Jaimie: “I feel sad for Wade. And his smile.”
Chelsey: “At least he made his idol cry. He’s not going home empty handed.”
Mom: “I feel bad for him too but he’s gonna be a lawyer!”
Winner: Wade
BATTLE: Mathai vs. Nicolle Galyon
Team: Adam
Song: “Love Song” by Sara Barellis
Since Nicolle is a pianist, Adam chooses a song from a similar artist, allowing her to showcase her mad ivory-tickling skills. Also, we imagine, this is an homage to “The Sing-Off’s” latest judge. And this will indeed be someone’s swan song. Nicolle is nervous because of Mathai’s personality, but she’s excited to “rock out” on the piano because, she says, “It makes me me.” But Adam also thinks it has a fun “swagger” that will fit Mathai’s stage personality. Still, the teen says she is a little scared. Perhaps it’s a stature issue?
Jaimie: “Nicolle TOWERS”
Chelsey:? “?I was just typing that?”
Mom:? “?She’s a giant?”
Nicolle didn’t sing in front of anyone until she was 20 years old is still not comfortable on stage the way nursing student and singing hopeful Mathai is. When she practicing with Robin Thicke, he has the oddest compliments and the creepiest facial expression on of all the odd things he’s done in the battle rounds: “I wanna take you to prom,” he says mid-verse, before adding, “Your voice is adorable … It sounds like morning coffee on the veranda.” Ah yes. A sound we all know well.
Chelsey:?”?ROBIN? WHAT DID YOU TAKE”
Jaimie:? “?Muchas drogas?”
Chelsey:? “He ?needs an intervention from Alan?”
Jaimie:? ?”Yes. Dr. Seaver. Where are you?”?
Chelsey:? ?”Taking care of Kirk Cameron and his homophobia?”
Mom:? ?”Remember when little Leo DiCaprio was on??”
Nicolle is admittedly intimidated by her mini-competition. “I just wanna prove that I can sing,” she says.
Jaimie:? ?”She sounds like Jessica Simpson? … not her singing voice, but her speaking voice.”
Mom:? ?”That’s unfortunate?”
When Mathai meets with Adam and Alanis Morrisette for her mentor session, Adam tells her she needs to stretch out her notes. Alanis, of course, who we never know what she’s saying, says she needs to “honor” her audience and “give each note its due respect.” Is that also irony? We are unsure. Mathai really listens though and Alanis says she’s born to this. Cue adorable smile.
During practice, Adam gets aggressive without he piano. He didn’t like the way it worked with the performance, but needed some more man power to push it off the stage. “I’ve always felt like I needed the piano,” she says, but with this performance, she hopes to prove otherwise.
Chelsey:? ?”I think it’s weird that she’s playing piano?.”
Mom:? ?”So did Adam apparently?”
Chelsey:? “Very good, Adam. THIS IS THE VOICE”
When they take the stage, Nicolle is clearly very nervous and not sounding to good. We miss the piano. And we bet she does too.
Mom:? ?”Did you guys know that I love this song?”?
Jaimie:? ?”You DO?!?”
Chelsey:? “?NO WAY!!!!?”
Mom:? “?I DOOOOOO? … R?emember when I put it on my phone and couldn’t get it? ?off?? And it would randomly play??”
Chelsey:? “?Haha yes?”
Jaimie:? ?”Sigh?. Yes.”
It’s definitely not one of the more enjoyable battles, but Blake says the battle came down to breathing and that that is what affected Nicolle’s performance. He’d pick Mathai. Christina says it was a “no brainer” … She also goes with Mathai. Cee Lo says Nicolle’s rendition was too generic and Mathai reminded him of Christina a little bit. Adam “wasn’t too happy with it in general,” he says brutally honestly, a rarity on this sugar-coated show. He admits, he “was a little let down,” but knows he still has to make a decision. And he goes with …
Winner: Mathai
BATTLE: Moses Stone vs. The Line
Team: Christina
Song: “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones (also Britney Spears)
This pairing came as a surprise from Team X-Teens. It seems more like the type of thing we would see on Team Cee Lo. Like us, The Line seems very unsure about singing with Moses, especially Hailey (better known as Girl of The Line). Leland (a.k.a. as Boy of The Line) says that they are going to have “harmonize our butts off.” MC Moses, who we were not fully introduced to during the blind auditions but is adorable, seems to be up for anything.
Jaimie: “This is gonna be awwwwwwwk.”
Chelsey: “Big time. The duo on single artist battles are weird.”
Coadge X tries to comfort Hailey’s nerves but defends her odd battle pairing with a ridiculous speech that really just results in her name dropping and telling a story about this one time she sang with Mick Jagger. Moses meets with his mentor, Lionel Richie, and both Lionel and X-Tina tell Moses that in order to be successful, he has to prove he can both sing and rap. The Line meets with Jewel, and this soon becomes the most awkward mentor-mentee session yet. Jewel does not seem too impressed by The Line. Hailey (a.k.a. Girl of The Line a.k.a. Negative Nancy) can’t get passed the rock n’ roll song choice.
As the battle begins, we are pleasantly surprised, to say that least. We were quite skeptical, but the three mesh together surprisingly well. Sometimes we forget that behind the boobs and bleach, X-Tina actually is a bit of a musical genius.
Jaimie: “I like this. I’m shocked.”
Chelsey: “I know. This is kinda cool. The tambourine is a little superfluous though…Joe Jonas. Moses likes to hop around.”
Mom: “Moses looks like he’s having fun. And he likes white pants.”
Chelsey: “So much fun! He would make a GREAT bar mitzvah MC.”
The performance is incredibly fun to watch, mainly because of Moses being awesomely charismatic and owning the stage.
Mom: “I love Moses’s fam”
Jaimie: “Me toooo. He’s so cute. I love him.”
The coadges have mixed opinions. While they all definitely saw Moses as being more charismatic, Adam thinks that when it comes down to “The Voice,” he’d have to go with The Line. Cee Lo leans towards Moses (obviously) and Blake thinks the whole thing was weird (probably because it didn’t have beer and an American flag) but agrees with Adam and chooses The Line (also obviously). Lady X has a bit of a hard time making her final decision, but ultimately goes with Moses, which we couldn’t have been happier about.
Jaimie: “Yayyyyyyyy”
Mom: “AMEN”
Chelsey: “Woohoo!”
Hailey a.k.a. Negative Nancy is clearly upset with Cee Lo’s decision and doesn’t even try to hide it. She even refuses to talk to the cameras even though Leland makes an effort and says some nice things.
Chelsey: “Damnnnnn”
Jaimie: “Ohhhhh snapppppp”
Chelsey: “That girl needs to take a page out of Gwen Sebastien’s book.”
Winner: Moses
BATTLE: Karla Davis vs. Orlando Napier
Team: Adam
Song: “Rich Girl” by Hall and Oates “Easy” by Commodores
Karla’s worst fear was Orlando and her worst fear is realized as they are the only too left standing on Adam’s team. Orlando is worried because he doesn’t know the song, but Karla replaced singing for soccer just three years ago.
As soon as the head to practice, Adam decides something doesn’t feel right. “I’m not gonna let these guys do the wrong thing,” he says. So older, fatter Dave Grohl who plays the piano during all of these practice sessions starts jamming out. They’re feeling it. It sounds like “Easy.” They go with it and Orlando in particular is really into song choice No. 2.
Mom:?”?Orlando rocks like Stevie Wonder?”
During Orlando’s practice with Robin Thicke, the smooth singer has some more wise words for “The Voice” contestant, who he compares to Picasso. Then he tells him: “Vowels is where the strength of the voice comes from … you can’t go rrrrrr.” And it only gets weirder during Karla’s session with Alanis and Adam, who helps her find her louder inner voice since he thinks she’s “a little insecure.” “B?ertha is the big girl inside you … Bertha needs to be in your head and your heart.” But oddly enough, it works.?
?When they take the stage, though we both originally loved Orlando’s voice, we have to say that Karla is really holding her ground. ?And then, a conversation begins that is a long-debated issue in the Etkin family … what does and doesn’t qualify as a redhead.
Mom:?”?Orlando is a cute gingee?”
Jaimie:? “?HE IS NOT A GINGEE?. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Chelsey:? “?Oh God here we go … ?”
Jaimie: “Chelsey. Call it.”
Mom:? ?”He kind of is?”
Chelsey: “I?t’s like I’m your guys’ coadge and I have to pick?.”
Jaimie:? ?”It’s just like that?”
Mom:? ?”It’s our gingee battle?”
Chelsey:? ?”Honestly, I know I normally am with Lor on the gingee debate, but this time … I have to go with my gut? and my gut is telling me that I agree with Jaim”
Jaimie:? “?YAY!? I WIN GINGVOICE”
Mom:? “?It’s been an honor just to be here and work with you guys? … I ?wish I could get the loser hugs from you guys now?”
But back to the real battle: Blake says no one ran away with it, but goes with Orlando, while Christina found Karla more entertaining. And while Orlando had the “cool” to win over Cee Lo, it was all up to Adam. He said what Orlando does is “specific” and “special,” but Adam says Karla “really blossomed.”
And the winner is …
Winner: Karla
BATTLE: Jordan Rager vs. Naia Kete
Team: Blake
Song: “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz
It’s the final battle for Team Blake, and he leaves it up to “country as dirt” Jordan (Blake’s words, not ours) and reggae dread-enthusiast Naia. As much as we LOVE this song, as does the rest of America, it seems like way more of a challenge for Jordan than Naia, especially seeing as Naia’s blind audition song was the very similar “Lazy Song” by Bruno Mars. To make matters worse for Jordan, and to also prove that he must live in the middle of NOWHERE, Jordan has never heard of the song, making him all the more nervous. Blake knows it’s a safer bet for Naia, but wants nervous Jordan to be the underdog and blow everyone away.
Jaimie: “Jordan said he’s been singing since he was 16. HOW OLD COULD HE BE!?”
Jordan meets with mentor Miranda Lambert in the barn, of course, and she tries to ease his nerves. Jordan reveals that he has a bit of a thing for Miranda, making this all the more uncomfortable.
When Miranda sings a few bars of the song for Jordan, however, she sounds great and we really just want to hear her sing the whole thing. Naia is ecstatic to meet with mentor Kelly Clarkson, and Kelly is very impressed by Naia’s abilities.
Jaimie: “Naia is definitely dressed for the barn.”
Chelsey: “That head scarf. Gurrrrrl.”
Jaimie: “She wears more makeup than anyone I’ve ever seen with dreads.”
Mom: “Her voice reminds me a little of Nora Jones.”
Jaimie: “I read that as ‘Nick Jonas.’ And I was inclined to agree.”
It’s time for the battle, and we know this solely because Carson announces “THIS BATTLE STARTS RIGHT NOW!” Thanks, Carson. You’re truly a necessity to this show. As the two sing their little hearts out, Jordan brings his A-Game and sounds much better than we would have expected. Naia sounds beautiful and smooth, just as we thought she would on this song. It is definitely a closer battle than anticipated, and the coadges agree. Ultimately, all of the coadges are impressed by Jordan, but still choose Naia. Papa Bear Blake struggles to make a decision and tells the two that “this sucks” before choosing Naia’s experience over Jordan.
Naia’s dread family runs backstage to congratulate her and they have a happy dread-filled (not to be confuse with dreadful) celebration.
Jaimie: “Poor Jordan.”
Chelsey: “I know. Also, Naia’s family kills me.”
Jaimie: “It’s a joke. It’s like SNL dread fam.”
Mom: “Her mom claps really weird.”
Chelsey: “Yeah, THAT’S what’s weird about her mom…”
Winner: Naia
BATTLE: Tony Vincent vs. Justin Hopkins
Team: Cee Lo
Song: “Faithfully” by Journey
Cee Lo gives them one of his “all-time favorites” and he thinks they’re gonna “tear the song down.” Justin admits he’s intimated by Tony’s range and he doesn’t know who isn’t.
We’re more intimated by his impressive use of guyliner (too soon?), but to each his own. When the two go through their practice, Cee Lo is moved to tears for the second time in one episode. “Bringing tears to Cee Lo’s eyes?” Tony says, “Incredibly humbling … It means we’re doing the song justice.” They embrace.
Jaimie: “It’s so awkward when Cee Lo tries to hug”
Chelsey:? “?Haha. He can’t reach anything? … Every time he tries to hug or clasp his own hands together, all I see is this” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93B072j-E3I
Tony meets up with his mentor with Babyface and creepy, de-bespectacled Cee Lo (hopefully for the last time). Babyface wonders if Tony can hit the final high notes. Tony takes the feedback well and seemingly really is humbled by all of this, though we’re just blinded by his incredibly white teeth. Justin meets with Ne-Yo, who links he is perfect for the competition. He warns, “The emotion of this song is the power of this song.”
Soon enough, Carson says, “It’s the night of the final battle,” which Chelsey notes is also the night of every other battle. Admittedly, both are pretty much killing it. It’s one of the best battles of the season, but we’re Team Justin (though in most other circumstances, we’re Team Britney).
Jaimie: “You know how I know Tony’s alternative? He’s wearing cut-off gloves”
Chelsey:?”A?nd has black nail polish? … I?’m sure that’s a struggle for Carson because he loves black nail polish.”?
Jaimie:?”But only on one pinky”
Adam says they were “equally energetic,” but he’d go with Justin. Blake says Tony may be more “versatile,” but he thinks Justin gave “a more solid performance” so he’d go with him. But going on the same points, Christina goes with Tony. Cee Lo was “moved” by Justin and this was his hardest battle to decide. In the end, he chooses …
Winner: Tony
We’re slightly devastated to lose Justin.
Chelsey:? “?Noooooooooooooooooo?. I’m sad “
Mom:? ?”I feel so badly for him?”
Jaimie:?”T?his is a huge loss for the show? … Like Raelynn is on, but not this guy?”
Chelsey:?”?ERIN IS ON BUT NOT THIS GUY?”?
Justin a.k.a. “This Guy,” we will miss you. Thankfully, there’s a quick shot of Cee Lo and Purrfect, punctuated by some maniacal laughter from Mr. Green to numb the pain.
“The Voice” airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on NBC.
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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jaimie-etkin/the-voice-recap-cee-lo-cries_b_1381852.html
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